OK this month blows quite frankly. So far I’ve had the cancer scare, then the Friday after the test results for that came back our water heater thermostat went out and had to be replaced. I then had about a week of non horrible things happening when I managed to quite gracefully dump an entire rum and coke onto my laptop frying the graphics card and screwing up the keyboard.
Last night the lovely officer from the City of Shepherdsville police dept was kind enough to give me a ticket for ‘rolling” thru the stop sign in our subdivision. A nice little $163 ticket. No more than 10 feet from my driveway. I should have apparently stayed in bed all this month.
WTF (Nadastrom on Drugs Remix) [Explicit]
It’s been a while since I’ve written, so forgive me for not only that but also because this post is not one of my usual “fun” ones.
As many of you know, my mother was diagnosed with and survived breast cancer many years ago. As she was only 40 at diagnosis I have been somewhat vigilant in my monthly self exams. It was always a half fear, but then again not really something I was overly concerned with. Then this month I found a mass. I went to the Doctor, again somewhat worried, but not overly concerned. I’m only 31, the risk is certainly there given my family history but not something I ever thought was huge. Then all of a sudden my world went upside down.
The Doctor put me in for what I suppose could be considered an emergency mammogram and ultrasound. They insisted that I be seen and scanned that day. I was concerned (frankly I actually kinda lost it) but again, I kept the belief that the next Doctor would say there was nothing really to worry about and I would be fine. So I go to my next set of tests that same day, where technicians worked thru lunch to make sure I was seen. After the scans I saw immediately the radiologist who analysed my films on the spot. Then he said the words, I think we need to take a biopsy. However it was already Friday afternoon, so it would be Monday before I could get in for it.
Now I don’t know if any of you have ever been in that position, it’s a hard thing to describe really. It was like all the air just got sucked out of my body. I couldn’t think of anything, nor could I clear my head. (which is a concept that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense I know but that’s just how it was). Suddenly I wasn’t thinking about what to do that night, or later that afternoon. My mind shifted and each minute seemed like something I had to plan for, how to get the hell out of the exam room, how to get my shirt back on, how to get my appt rescheduled and get myself to the car without completely breaking down. Once i made it thru that hurdle, it was how to tell A1, how to get out of the parking lot. Everything went in some kind of slow motion.
I called work, pretty much still in hysterics (this was after my initial hysterical call between the first and second Dr appt), I called Sarahspace, who I then went to see. I don’t remember how I got to her house, I don’t remember what roads I took, for all I know I was running red lights and stop signs the whole way there. Everything just kind of took on this dream like quality, except it was a nightmare. That weekend was the longest weekend of my life, I wrestled with that whole I will be fine, but what if I’m not.. I had to tell my mom, which I dreaded more because I didn’t want to worry her than anything else. I randomly broke down crying all weekend, all while trying desperately to hold it together. I cannot be more thankful for my friends and family though who supported me and helped keep me distracted and otherwise busy so that i never spent too much time focused on the what could be’s.
Monday came and went, and let me tell you, needle biopsy is not a fun thing to go thru. I had literally six different needles of assorted sizes and shapes stuck in me. I made the mistake of opening my eyes and seeing the big biopsy needle vacuum thing right before they used it. The Doctor and nurses though were so very nice and comforting. By the time I was done and bandaged up and ready to go home I just felt hollowed out. I had one disproportionately HUGE boob which was already bruising around the giant bandage by the time we got home. It hurt to touch it/lay on it/bump it, put it in a bra or a shirt that clung too much.
I couldn’t focus, couldn’t work, couldn’t stay concentrating on anything for a long period of time. Every time my phone rang I jumped. I tried my hardest to avoid WebMD and the cancer society web sites and anything else that might just further freak me out. It only took 48 hours for my results to come back but I have to say every minute of those 48 hours crawled by.
I am happy to say that everything came back normal, or at least benign. I revisit for another scan in 6 months and now have apparently a titanium chip in my boob to mark where trouble was once found. I’m less than two weeks out from the scare and I think that it’s affected me more than I initially realized. I just do not feel like myself right now.
I think perhaps I just need to unplug for a little while, take a mini vacation and relax and try to get past it. It’s been hard to do with the visible reminders still so present though (I’m finally finally as of yesterday not bruised but still have the spots where the biggest of the needles went in which haven’t yet healed). The mental/emotional stuff just isn’t quite healed yet, I guess I thought once I was past it and knew I was ok that I would just bounce right back and that’s proving to be a little harder than I realized. I will get there though, I think at this point it’s just going to take a little bit of time.
Related Items:
Asus Eee PC 4G Surf (7-Inch Display, Intel Mobile Processor, 512 MB RAM, 4 GB Hard Drive, Linux Preloaded) Pure WhiteLook at this thing, look at it carefully, then explain to me who the hell wants to wear one of these things? in fact make sure you go thru all the pictures, I am particularly fond of the one with the guy riding his bike in the rain with this thing on. Personally I think I’d rather go the old fashioned umbrella route, or newspaper, or a plastic bag, or perhaps even just suck it up and get wet than wear this. I wonder how many they’ve sold.
wtf