So I do what any person in that position would probably do, I throw up on myself and the dog. Needless to say we both got to take showers, my second of the morning her first. I still managed to be only an hour late for work today which I think is fantastic, but I do have to fully disenfect and hose down the bathroom when I get home.

A-1 requested that while i was out running errands could I please pick up a bag of winterizing fertilizer. That wasn’t a problem, and I enjoy lowe’s so I went ahead to the store to get some.

Now for those of you that have ever gotten bags of this crap you know usually it comes in massive friggen bags, the one I’d chosen was about 47lbs. I pick it up off the pallet to put it into my cart and the damn thing bursts all over me. Now this crap is in tiny pieces and is itchy as hell. I’m trying to get the bag out of my hands and then it happens. My shirt which is secured with just snaps pops all the way open. At this point I am surrounded by at least a dozen employees and fellow shoppers and I’m covered in fertilizer and my lacy black bra and boobs are on full display.

The employees were of course very nice letting me know not to worry they’d clean it up and they were so sorry for the bad bag etc etc then one of them while I’m brushing myself off starts to reach out as if to help me get the fertilizer off my boobs. He’s literally within about an inch of my chest when he realizes wtf he’s doing and yanks his hand back. After I get myself mostly brushed off and my shirt put back together I haul another non faulty bag of fertilizer into the cart and head off thru the mess to get checked out.

It will probably be a little while before I return to that particular lowes, and next time I go I’ll most def be wearing a more secured shirt. But at least I gave them something to talk about for a while.

By my scheduled appointment time I was already in the room wearing that lovely little front opening gown and paper sheet and she was in the room prepping to begin the exam. If you’re unfamiliar with proceedings at an annual exam appointment it’s pretty straight forward. Speculum, stirrups, some KY and some feeling around and you’re done and on with life. I was all ready to go, and she’d just started the speculum part of the exam when that wonderful little instrument started making a sound as she literally cranked it open like that of a car jack.

This of course struck my funny bone a little. Wouldn’t it make you laugh a little? Of course I laugh and that causes certain muscles to contract and as the speculum is nice and lubed up for my pleasure it came right out of me and hit the floor. I’m sure some of the “locals” around here would liken it to one of my favorite Kentucky expressions involving farmers and greased pigs.

I was in that weird spot at that point where it could either go a) more funny, or b) completely horrifying and embarrasing to the point that you never want to see that Dr again. That’s when the gyno said “Well, that hasn’t happened in a while” and began laughing. I then laughed with her for the next 10 minutes, making it impossible for the exam to continue until we’d both calmed down a little. Once calm, everything continued as normal and I was outta there and on my way by 3:30. I figure at least I’m a memorable patient and gave her a fun story to tell all her Doctor friends.

It was hot, there were probably 30 people in line in front of me and all of two clerks. I had more teeth than the entire rest of the room combined, and surprisingly I had the shortest hair in the entire room. Not since high school have I seen so many cans of Rave put to such awful uses. I understand that the big hair craze on women requires on average of one can per person per day, but my guess would be most of the men had also followed this trend to keep their mullets from blowing in the wind. Have you ever seen a two year old with a mullet of their very own? It’s not pretty, and in my opinion should be considered a form of child abuse.

The guy in front of me had decided it was also a REALLY great idea to smoke an ENTIRE pack of cigarrettes before walking into the office, so in conjunction with the heat and the fact that we were packed into this one small ass room with no more than 6 inches space between all of us it made his habit that much more apparent and that much harder for me to breathe with that great upper respiratory infection I currently have raging.

I was also lucky enough to run into a girl from high school who had all FIVE of her children with her and her third husband. I got to hear all about her life since high school including how her other “babies daddies” weren’t real keen on that whole child support thing, but her current husband treated her “real good”. I don’t care, I didn’t even talk to you in high school why in the fuck would I want to talk to you now? It was a good indication though of what my reunion will hold for me. Still really looking forward to that.

I’ll just pay the damn late fee for renewing later this week rather than try to battle rednecks in line for god knows how long while they argue that they didn’t know they needed their proof of insurance, or that the car’s “done been junked for months now and my ex husbands ex wife said I didn’t need to show ya’ll proof of that”.

Not only am I more than likely to injur myself, I’m also more than likely going to be unwittingly involved in accidents brought on by those around me. Case in point- yesterday MohawkMan decided it would be a good idea to yell “hey catch” at me, when I turn around I see a large purple ball coming towards me. Given the nature of the office, i assume this to be a water balloon, it’s happened before, it will happen again. Wrong.

I caught said ball, only to realize it was not in fact a water balloon, but a mid-size medicine ball. In the act of catching it, and realizing it’s not at all what it appears to be I somehow managed to have one knee come up and hit the underside of my desk. Not only did I slam my knee into the desk, I hit lenghtwise down the middle of my kneecap directly on the edge of the desk.

It took me down to the ground, apparently I actually began to turn a somewhat disturbing shade of purple. I don’t have a clear recollection of the 5 minutes directly after that. I recovered from that event, no bruise, nothing abnormal, just a little bit tender.

Today, same coworker, same medicine ball except now it would appear the idea of the hour would be to throw it at me while I’m walking past. It nailed me directly in the left half of my lower back. I think I actually felt my ribcage shift a little. I know it knocked the wind out of me. This time I don’t think I’ll escape with no marks, in fact currently I’m still finding it somewhat difficult to breathe.

The new boy and Truck are still a little weary of each other. Truck can be a wee bit possessive and the new boy has had some issues with dogs. So while the new boy and I generally spend time together upstairs, Truck is locked down stairs which does not make Truck a happy dog. Last night after new boy went home, Truck and I curled up into bed together. Truck spent a long time sniffing around the bed and then proceeded to rub himself all the over sheets. I can only assume to replace the new boy smells with his own. When he finished with that he rubbed himself all over me. He used to do this when I came home from the poltroons.

After about an hour, he was apparently not satisfied. At which point, he stood up and peed all over me. I started screaming and rushing to pull the bedding off as I have featherbed and you can’t get pee out of a featherbed. The whole time I am screaming and carrying on, Truck stood next to the bed with most satisfied smug look I have ever seen on any male’s face.